The Journey to 21...

My son will be 21 in four days...

I don't think it really hit me until I started putting together a slideshow for his birthday party next weekend. Let me back up...it really started when I began going through all the photos I have of him and trying to decide what to include in this slideshow.

I love taking photos. People who know me would say that's an understatement. I used to take 13-15 rolls of film at an event and then drop them off at Costco for development. The manager of the photo center and I are on a first name basis. He was the one who asked me one day "Teresa, when are you going to go digital?" He helped me make that switch sooner than I probably would have. I've never looked back...

So it would be safe to say that I had quite a mountain of photos to select from - some on cd and some that needed scanning. I spent one afternoon going through all the photo albums in the house. Then went through two huge containers of photos and cds that I haven't had a chance to put in order. Here I thought I had everything in order - at least I had a good start at it. By this I mean that I started putting pictures on my Smugmug.com website. That was one of the smartest things I've ever done.

Going through the photos was quite the trip down memory lane. I have one accordion container with all the kids school, sports and daycare photos. I also have pictures of the kids from their first year where I had their pictures made at JCPenney every two months. They change so much the first year...

By the time I had scanned photos and copied photos from the smugmug site and also the home computer I probably had about 400 pictures to narrow down into a slideshow. That's where I had to get creative. Costco has a slideshow deal where you can upload photos and select popular music and they send it to you in a nice dvd container with a photo and title. My daughter used this for her boyfriend last May as a graduation present. It was quick and easy and a very high quality product.

So I ended up with three slideshows...one of Charlie playing soccer through the years, one of Charlie "the early years" and one of Charlie "the journey to 21." Now sorting through and putting the pictures in order was no problem. But going through each one in preview mode...now that was another story. The music and the pictures running through really made me emotional...

The soccer slideshow showed Charlie playing on his first team in what we used to call "magnet ball!" All the kids would be all over the soccer ball...but there was Charlie out ahead of the pack and kicking the goal. The later photos showed him playing in the rec league and finally in high school. I could never get enough of him running up and down the field. He was SO FAST!!! I wish I had been able to use a digital camera during his early years. Then again, I would have had probably a thousand more photos to go through!

In the early years slideshow I placed all the school yearbook pictures up front so you see him from kindergarten through high school...then it starts with random shots of his baby years, toddler years and finally up to around 4th grade. The thing I noticed in all those pictures is what a sweet smile my boy has... He always just wanted to be friends with everyone too. He would meet a kid and an hour later he would call that kid his best friend. Such a heart of gold...

The last slideshow covered pictures from middle school until now. The one thing I regret is not taking more pictures of Charlie when he was in band. We would go to the high school football games and stay through the halftime show to watch Charlie play the tuba. I don't think I was aggressive enough in those days to just walk right up and take photos. I should have been. But I did have a decent supply and the photos I have show him having the time of his life with the tuba section! I also hardly have any photos of him as a Boy Scout. I know they are around but I couldn't locate many at all. Again, I wasn't the one going on the trips with him or campouts. Another lost opportunity but there were a handful of photos with his best friend Kendall so I included those.

Thank goodness for facebook and the photos I found there! Many of Charlie with friends from church youth group, his car friends and others. I made use of many of those...

The journey to 21 in pictures is like the journey to 21 in person, I would imagine. There are moments you wish you could have captured on film but didn't but you have good memories of those times. Likewise, I'm sure there are times in Charlie's life he wishes he had done something differently. Hopefully though, he learned something from that decision or he has good memories of an event or time. I hope when he looks back on his first 21 years and that he is happy about the journey so far.

I'm so proud of him and looking forward to capturing the next 21 years in photos and memories...

Accountability

I've been wanting to post for several days now but I think I'm having a case of writers block. Well, maybe not quite writers block. I have things I want to get off my mind and onto my blog and I start to formalize them in my mind while I'm driving home from work, or walking my puppy after the 10 o'clock news...but when I sit down to write I just go blank lately.

Some of this has to be due to the fact that I haven't accomplished as much of the yearly planning in January as I had wanted to. I mean, my Christmas tree and inside decorations are still up!!! What the heck??? It's not like I have family members just standing at the ready to help me either. Now if I get it started then I know I'll get the help I need, but the idea of actually being self-motivating and seeing husby or youngest daughter or oldest son get it started without me...well, let's just say that hasn't happened to date and I'm not holding my breath! I took a look at my master "to do" list this afternoon that I created to hold me accountable and changed the "take the tree down" target date of completion from January to February! Oh well! It's a work in progress...

All this reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon at work. He has just gone on a board that I've been on in the past. During their planning session a few weeks ago he mentioned it would be good to have an accountability committee or a way to keep everyone on task with what they've agreed to do to move the organization forward. The response he got was that they are all adults and they all know what to do to get the job done. But is that really the case? I mean, how many of us are on committees or involved with extra-curricular activities, been given tasks that we say "no problem" to and then when it comes to crunch time, make an excuse about why the job hasn't been done?

This has happened to me only rarely...because I don't like the way it feels to let people down AND if I say I'm going to do something then I'm going to get it done!!! If anything, I usually end up being the one sending the emails, making the phone calls and trying to keep everything on task so that the job gets done, the event happens or the party is a success. Of course, on the flip side, I DO like organizing things! I feel like a project manager on so many levels with things I'm involved in and like to approach things in this manner.

I think part of my problem this year is that I got a little derailed in January. There is always a little family drama going on and it tends to be attracted to the month of January. This year, thankfully, it was on a lesser scale but still affected my time nontheless. My cousin and her husband and kids are about to lose their house due to complete and utter stupidity. It's a long story but suffice it to say, they had inherited money from my aunt that based on the budget that my husby prepared for them, among other things, should have lasted them and kept them in the house for at least 3 years. They lasted less than a year on the plan. So throughout this mess there have been numerous conversations with my mother about how far we need to go to help them, getting through some of my grandmother's things that are still in the house and then trying to get them to pack and look for a place to live.

What a mess...it's sad, upsetting, infuriating and assinine...all at the same time. Husby and I have taken a huge step back with all this and my cousin's husband's family - his two sisters and their husbands - have stepped up to "help" or intervene. I don't even know what the right word for this is anymore. It's crazy to think so much needs to be done for two "adults" in their early 30s with three children under the age of 5. The problem is actually that too much has ALWAYS been done for them...all along and they don't know anything else. They have never been held accountable for their actions...they've always been bailed out.

The other side of this is my mother's feelings and need for closure with her mother and her sister and their things/memories. It's another long story but the short readers digest condensed version is that my grandmother had been living with my aunt for so many years that their belongings were so merged that it was difficult to know who owned what. Mom never had the opportunity to really go through her belongings when grandmother passed away and felt uncomfortable asking her sister to do this since grandmother lived with my aunt for so long.

Which leads us to two Saturdays in January. One Saturday was spent going through the house helping mom look through the dishes, doiles and other things in the house - at least what we could get through since the house was such a wreck. The next Saturday I agreed to go back with mom to get through the garage since we knew there were other "grandmother" items boxed up in there. It took us all day... It was like an episode of Clean House and it bordered on the "Hoarders" series. We couldn't even walk into the garage at the beginning. By the time we finished there was a clear trail to the kitchen door and we had everything sorted by what to keep, what to sell and what to throw out. It still amazes me that garages or rooms or complete houses get to this point. I mean, bags of mail, toy parts, books, cds, clothing, etc. were shoved into large plastic bags, sealed and then tossed into the garage. And I don't mean one or two bags either. There were so many...it was mind-boggling....... Again, no accountability so let's just toss it into a huge room and maybe no one will notice.
So, just when I thought I was back on track with my own plans to get 2010 in order I took that tumble down the stairs which derailed me for about a week... And...here we are in February.

I think my best bet for this short month is going to be keeping that master "to do" list in front of me so that I hold myself accountable for the things "I" want to do. I'm getting all the things for everyone else done...that never seems to be a problem.

I've got some lost time to make up for, don't I?

Repacking my bags...

...so I've decided to change the name of my blog from "Year of Living Stressfully" to "Repacking my bags...lightening my load for the journey ahead."

When I first started blogging "officially" - I had the need to put on "paper" the things that were going through my mind that were...well... stressing me out! I figured I could get it down on the blog, get it out of my head, and essentially lighten my load in that way. I does help... unloading your mind of the multitude of things that consume you every day.

Over the course of the past year and a half though, I began wondering if the blog title was something I really wanted to keep. I mean, some could say that "stress" is the new normal! I've heard and even said that many times lately. But the word "stress" is getting old, isn't it? I mean, it's like the word "busy." I really do loathe that word..."hey, I know you're BUSY but could you..." OR "my life is so busy right now I just can't breathe!" Busy, busy, busy!!! Isn't that the sound bees make??? Okay, I'm getting ridiculous now...I know...

The blog name change comes from me wanting to put a more positive light on what I want to do this year...put the important people/places/things in my bags and make the most of this journey I'm on. The focus should be on the journey, shouldn't it? As an adult, don't we know this? Should we be asking "are we there yet?" If we are asking that child-like question then we aren't enjoying the journey very much, are we? I hear people say things like "getting there is half the battle" and that the destination is the reward. I don't agree...I believe the journey is the reward...

I'm making a vow to enjoy the journey...even if my luggage doesn't match. 

Just call me grace...

It's amazing the number of thoughts that go through your head as you are falling. Last thing I remembered I was standing on the other side of the kitchen door - on the top of the basement steps - and the next thing I knew I was falling backwards....down 15 steps and hit the basement floor...HARD.

I stayed there, flat on my back, for what seemed like 20 minutes trying to decide if I was all in one piece. Was anything broken? Did I have a concussion? What about my neck and back? Broken? Cracked? I felt like I had just been in a gigantic dryer, spinning out of control and watching all the contents of my purse and briefcase flying through the air with me as I tumbled. I can still see it all as if in slow motion.

Nothing seemed to be bleeding so I tried to roll onto my knees and slowly get up. I decided I should make a phone call first. Since my son was still close to home - he had just left to take my daughter to school - I called him and asked him to come back home right away. I figured if I were to pass out or if something were more seriously wrong with me that he would get here before my husband could from downtown.

While I waited for Charlie to arrive, I managed to get up and eventually stand up. I made my way upstairs to survey the damage. Most of the bruising and pain I was feeling was on my left side. About this time Charlie came charging into the house and I heard him head straight for the basement. I called him upstairs to give me a hand. I had a bruise on my left leg from 5 days before while working in the garage. I noticed it was bigger or rather it appeared to be swelling. That worried me a bit. Plus the fact that I hit my head - all those stories about Natasha Richardson dying after hitting her head skiing went through my head... Then Charlie asked me "did you call dad?" I said I hadn't yet and he said "well if you don't call him right now I will!"

Now my sweet husband is one of those guys who reacts so calmly to situations like this. I mean, he keeps a clear head and asks the right questions and doesn't get hysterical or anything. I joke that he gets more upset by things like letting cookie slip out of his hand or getting all the way to the basement garage and realizing his keys are upstairs in the kitchen! True to form, he was calm and collcted and said I needed to go to the Urgent Care center and get checked out - have x-rays and make sure all was in order.

Charlie helped me pick up the contents of my purse and briefcase and he followed me to the Urgent Care center. I was hobbling along but not dizzy or anything which made me feel better about NOT having a concussion. Got the x-rays and went through a checkup with the doctor and found out I was fine - just very bruised and banged up. He prescribed pain meds and plenty of ice packs for all the bruising. What a relief...

I'm still puzzled at how exactly I wound up at the bottom of the stairs flat on my back. You know how sometimes when you start to fall you can feel yourself slip? I don't remember that. And sometimes you catch your foot on something and you start to stumble? That didn't happen. All I remember is falling straight back and flipping about one and a half times before hitting the floor. I joked with a few folks that I got a low score from the Russian judge. Guess my form wasn't quite good enough! I spent a lot of time laughing off the "tumble down the stairs" but the reality is...I was very lucky yesterday. It could have been so much worse.

I'm so grateful that it wasn't...

It's 2010....Bring It ON!

What is it about the apparent correlation between getting older and time going by more rapidly? I'm sure as I was "IN" 2009 and some of the stressful situations that I secretly "wished" away my life and hoped the situations would end quickly and pleasantly.

So now here we are at 2010...I didn't even think about it being the end of a decade until I saw a status post on facebook a few days ago. It was a little startling to me to read that status post because then I started wondering if I should be thinking about MAJOR goals for 2010 and how to go about setting them, etc. But WHOA!...isn't that just looking for trouble? I mean, I'm trying to reduce stress, right? Not set myself up for failure by creating more work, more resolutions, and more things to do that I don't really want to do, right?

I started reading a book that I've had for a year or so...it's called "Repacking Your Bags - How to Live with a New Sense of Purpose." Seemed an appropriate book to begin at the start of a new year - a new decade. I threw it in my travel bag on Saturday as hubby and I went away for our 24th anniversary. I was able to start reading the book while waiting for a massage the 2nd day of the trip. It's not a hard book to read and so I'm wondering why I didn't pick it up and read it earlier. Maybe I just wasn't ready to examine the extra burdens I've been carrying around and learn how to lighten my load. (That's actually a quote from someone who read the book that I'm borrowing...in the essence of full disclosure!)

But I think what attracted me to the book - as I was packing my 'bags" for my anniversary trip - is that it uses the metaphor of "baggage" to help remind you that life IS a journey! And your experience along the way is intimately bound up in the baggage - emotional, intellectual, and physical - that you are carrying. What we carry in our bags defines how we spend our time, and how we spend our time determines how we live and who we are. Hummm....

I know people use the quote "life is a journey" a lot and I've even used the line "enjoy the journey" - or "come along for the journey" to several people close to me in personal conversation to perhaps help them understand that you need to live in the moment and stop wondering what the next great "thing" or event will be. If you are constantly thinking about what is next, then you miss what is NOW.

This life is going by too quickly these days to NOT be doing the things that I love. I had already recognized that early last year but let other things/people/circumstances dictate what my year would be like. Toward the end of the year, I was determined to make that change. I did this in small ways, like during Thanksgiving, I refused to answer any work related/non-profit related emails. I was, after all, on vacation and you can't fully relax and disconnect if you are constantly checking emails! It was a good feeling and the world didn't end and no one died by my NOT answering them. So, the Christmas holiday/vacation was going to be another test of my resolve. I officially go back to work on Wednesday and while I did read a few emails from work today, the urge to immediately answer them wasn't pulling me. It was a good feeling...being in control...

So what has struck me as positive from this book so far? So far, it's the "formula" for a "good life" which is...

Living in the Place you belong,
with the People you Love,
doing the Right Work,
on Purpose.

Harmony is another way to define this. Since our journey is ever changing, the balance among place, love and work is always shifting too. At some stages we are more focused on work, sometimes we are more focused on our home (place) and so on.

What pulls all this together is "purpose." If you are able to define your sense of purpose - or for those of us who need this defined a little more bluntly - "the reason you get up in the morning" - then you can remained focused on where you want to go and discover new ways to get there.

Okay...so there you have it. I still have more of the book to read so who knows what else I'll discover or "rediscover" in all this. I do know one thing...I need to get upstairs right now and "unpack" my bags from my anniversary trip.

That seems like a good place to start...

Time to get serious...again...

We've just finished up the Labor Day holiday weekend and had a great time with friends at the lake. It was so good to leave all the thoughts of home and work behind and just enjoy...

For the most part, that is what happened. Then I started having random heart palpitations or "flutters." On top of that the burning I'm having at the base of my throat is not getting any better either. So...

Is all this caused by stress that I'm suppressing or is there a medical reason for all this. I can only make those assumptions right now. I can also make a doctor's appointment...which I plan to do tomorrow. I can also try not to let my imagination get the better of me and start doing Internet research and freaking myself out about these symptoms and thinking I have some type of major disease or ailment!

Of course, with all the illness (cancer) that has been running through my family these past few years, it's hard NOT to think it could be something like that. My mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer in March 2007 and then in Sept 2007, my aunt (mother's sister) was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer. So, I know my hubby is more worried about things like that than he lets on. Maybe it's because I make a joke about it everything it comes up to keep things less tense. But the last thing he says in those conversations is "go to the doctor!" He's right. But here's the catch...

I'll call tomorrow and it will take me weeks to get in to see the doctor. It will frustrate me so much that I will probably go to the "doc in the box" or clinic near my house and see what I can get done there first. I don't know...I just haven't had the best luck with my "normal" docs these past few years. More on that in a minute.

I also need to make an appointment for my annual "female" exams which were due in March. Yeah...I'm overdue and that doesn't make me happy either. I didn't have the best experience last time I went for my annual. Nothing really drastic but it just disturbed me at how quickly I was run through by the doctor. To begin with, my long-time doctor (female) was not available when I finally made my appointment after two years. I had to redo all my paperwork as a "new" patient - which I thought was ridiculous - and see another doctor - but the good news here is that it was the doc who had delivered two of my children.

Okay, so I have my exam and talk about how my mother and aunt both have cancer and that it's just "a little too close for comfort" and I'm worried about this and what do we need to do about this. He in essence told me he didn't think I had anything to worry about as long as I got checked out on a regular basis. So I went on to talk about the menopausal symptoms I was experiencing that were getting very uncomfortable. He said he would prescribe an anti-depressant that would help with the hot flash symptoms. I just stared at him and finally said "really? An anti-depressant?" And he said, "yeah!" Okay..... I also had another physical issue going on and was not happy with the solution given and wanted to talk about that more in the doc's office after the exam was over.

So I get dressed and meet the doctor in the hallway to go to his office and he stands at the doorway of his office to give me the anti-depressant prescription and a pamphlet for the other condition and the paperwork to go get a mammogram. I was in such a tailspin with all this info and I'm sure disbelief that we were standing in the office rather than sitting that I just took everything and left!

For several days I was so upset by all this. I mean, you get rushed through your appointment and you hardly have time to even think of questions you need to ask. I told one of my best friends - who is a nurse - about all this and she was absolutely furious. I said I considered myself intelligent enough to know what questions to ask a doctor but in this situation it just all completely escaped me and I felt awful about the visit. I also wondered about women - young and old - who aren't assertive enough to ask questions or even question the treatment they are getting. Then again, I consider myself assertive and I didn't know what to do in this case.

For the sake of ending this story...NO, I didn't fill the prescription (or take the samples the doctor gave me), and no I didn't use the info in the pamphlet for the "other condition." Instead, I went online to investigate natural and holistic ways to combat hot flashes and consulted with my friend the nurse about the other condition and she gave me the name of a specialist and information on what my options were in this case. None of these were offered by my doctor.

Now I will get into the story of how it nearly took an act of congress to change internist at the same medical group in Dec 2007. I had actually already done this and went in to verify while mom was having treatment at the cancer center. Long story short, I went to the medical group manager and she told me to go to the "new" doctor's receptionist and tell her I was transferring as a new patient with this doctor and all would be taken care of - because I was already listed as being transferred. She told me to make an appointment with the new doctor when I spoke to the receptionist. Well...easier said than done. When the receptionist heard me say "new patient" she didn't even let me finish and spoke over me saying " The doctor is not taking new patients." I said "No, you don't understand, I'm not a new patient, I'm transferring from another doctor and this was already done in May." She would not budge NOR listen to me and then ordered me to go sit in the waiting room. Well, I guess the group manager thought I was coming back to her office so she came to check on me and discovered what was going on and walked back up to the receptionist with me and told her to make me an appointment.

Let's just say the receptionist was not very accommodating. She gave me the "first open" new patient appointment for....drum roll....May 2008. I just looked at the group manager after she told me the first available appointment and said "gee, I hope I don't get really sick and need to see the doctor between now and then." She said "well, we'll work you in somehow." Great...thanks...

I left to pick up my mother and told her all about this. See, this is also my mother's doctor who had been wonderful to her during her cancer treatment, etc. Mother was the one who encouraged me to switch since I was so unhappy with my current doctor who I felt did not listen to me and always kept me waiting over an hour for my scheduled appointments. Always. Anyway, I told mother that the next time she was scheduled to see the doctor, this is what she needed to tell her. That the receptionist was rude and would not listen to me and that I was treated terribly by her. I mean, for goodness sake...if you are sick and came to the doctor and had to deal with someone like that...good luck to ya!

I kept the May 2008 "new patient" appointment. Haven't been back because I haven't seen the need. I still go on-line to do my research and have learned that I really need to take a list of questions I want answered so I don't get rushed through the appointment. I feel strong enough to say - "No, I'm not satisfied with the answer, could you explain it again." Or even, "I think I need to talk to someone else."

Live and learn...right?

Time to get serious...about my health. But I still dread making these appointments tomorrow...

Stressful year is "almost" up...do I need to think of a new blog title??

When I started this blog almost a year ago it was during what I "thought" was a very stressful time in my life. I was looking at writing as an outlet but unfortunately I wasn't able to write as much as I thought. Instead, I discovered facebook about the same time and that started taking much of my time and energy. Don't get me wrong...I love the facebook community and what it has offered to me as an outlet. I'm just sorry I didn't capture more in this blog about the stressful "stuff" that was going on at the time.

I look back now and marvel at how quickly this year has gone by. I remember a time when I kept a calendar and every night before I went to sleep I would write a few key points for that date - they could be simply where I went to lunch, who I went out with, if I worked out or a short glimpse into what I was feeling. It's interesting (to me) to look back on all that now and see what was going on in my mind and in my life.

Then around the time I got married I was keeping a journal on the computer. I would write every single day and then print out the days activities and put them in my Daytimer calendar. One of my close friends/co-workers used to call it my "Doogie Houser" journal. At the time I thought "who in the world would want to see this stuff - how mundane!" But I'm so glad I did it - because "I" was really the audience (as well as my son someday) and because it was all about my son when he was born, when he was a baby and the things we did together. So I guess I was into "blogging" before blogging was cool!

Nowadays I don't go anywhere without my notebook. I use it for work and personal and write everything in it to keep up with work related meetings and personal things that I have to do. I can go through a notebook a month if I'm not careful! There is so much to write down and I find that when I unload thoughts from my head to paper (or computer), that it helps me think better. Clears the mind. I think we are always afraid that if we let go of certain thoughts that they'll be gone forever. So that's why we keep them around but the reality is we clutter our minds and it just makes life more stressful. Unloading is helpful!

So where am I going with all this? I believe we record our lives in many ways. It's just that these days there are more ways than ever to do that. I would love to be able to spend time blogging all day but the truth is that I don't have the time and sometimes I don't have the energy. But, I know I have my notebook with me so I capture things that way.

Another way is through emails. I think back to the year leading up to my father's death. I'm the oldest of four daughters and my youngest sister and I have what I feel is a unique bond. My sister and I would talk or email about every day during that time and I would pour out my frustrations and fears surrounding my parents along with other feelings to her via email. She would encourage me , laugh with me and sympathize on other things. It was such a release. Dad died June 1, 2001 and my sister and I planned a trip to New Mexico to visit his hometown and his sister - we just "had" to go and the trip was planned for September 14, 2001. Well...you know what happened. September 11th. While watching the events of the day on the tv at my office I went back to my desk at one point and had an email from my sister with one line..."what is happening?" Of course, we all know now what happened.

So between my father's death, the feelings leading up to that, September 11th and then the eventual trip we made to New Mexico - which finally ended up happening on his October 25th birthdate...I had a huge number of emails from my sister. So what better Christmas present? I had saved everything and printed all the emails out and put them in a binder for her. Naturally, reading through all the emails was an emotional roller coaster for me! She felt the same way when she realized what I had done with the emails.

Back to the question...should I change the name of this blog? I've been thinking about that for about a week now. Stress is a norm in our lives these days, isn't it? I think about it many times a day but I push through and find ways to deal. This blog is just one way I deal. My notebook is another... I think I'll keep the blog name...for now...because I'm a believer that it's all about how you react to the stress in your life that makes you the person you are.

And for me...so far so good...I'll keep "dealing"....for now...