Just call me grace...

It's amazing the number of thoughts that go through your head as you are falling. Last thing I remembered I was standing on the other side of the kitchen door - on the top of the basement steps - and the next thing I knew I was falling backwards....down 15 steps and hit the basement floor...HARD.

I stayed there, flat on my back, for what seemed like 20 minutes trying to decide if I was all in one piece. Was anything broken? Did I have a concussion? What about my neck and back? Broken? Cracked? I felt like I had just been in a gigantic dryer, spinning out of control and watching all the contents of my purse and briefcase flying through the air with me as I tumbled. I can still see it all as if in slow motion.

Nothing seemed to be bleeding so I tried to roll onto my knees and slowly get up. I decided I should make a phone call first. Since my son was still close to home - he had just left to take my daughter to school - I called him and asked him to come back home right away. I figured if I were to pass out or if something were more seriously wrong with me that he would get here before my husband could from downtown.

While I waited for Charlie to arrive, I managed to get up and eventually stand up. I made my way upstairs to survey the damage. Most of the bruising and pain I was feeling was on my left side. About this time Charlie came charging into the house and I heard him head straight for the basement. I called him upstairs to give me a hand. I had a bruise on my left leg from 5 days before while working in the garage. I noticed it was bigger or rather it appeared to be swelling. That worried me a bit. Plus the fact that I hit my head - all those stories about Natasha Richardson dying after hitting her head skiing went through my head... Then Charlie asked me "did you call dad?" I said I hadn't yet and he said "well if you don't call him right now I will!"

Now my sweet husband is one of those guys who reacts so calmly to situations like this. I mean, he keeps a clear head and asks the right questions and doesn't get hysterical or anything. I joke that he gets more upset by things like letting cookie slip out of his hand or getting all the way to the basement garage and realizing his keys are upstairs in the kitchen! True to form, he was calm and collcted and said I needed to go to the Urgent Care center and get checked out - have x-rays and make sure all was in order.

Charlie helped me pick up the contents of my purse and briefcase and he followed me to the Urgent Care center. I was hobbling along but not dizzy or anything which made me feel better about NOT having a concussion. Got the x-rays and went through a checkup with the doctor and found out I was fine - just very bruised and banged up. He prescribed pain meds and plenty of ice packs for all the bruising. What a relief...

I'm still puzzled at how exactly I wound up at the bottom of the stairs flat on my back. You know how sometimes when you start to fall you can feel yourself slip? I don't remember that. And sometimes you catch your foot on something and you start to stumble? That didn't happen. All I remember is falling straight back and flipping about one and a half times before hitting the floor. I joked with a few folks that I got a low score from the Russian judge. Guess my form wasn't quite good enough! I spent a lot of time laughing off the "tumble down the stairs" but the reality is...I was very lucky yesterday. It could have been so much worse.

I'm so grateful that it wasn't...

It's 2010....Bring It ON!

What is it about the apparent correlation between getting older and time going by more rapidly? I'm sure as I was "IN" 2009 and some of the stressful situations that I secretly "wished" away my life and hoped the situations would end quickly and pleasantly.

So now here we are at 2010...I didn't even think about it being the end of a decade until I saw a status post on facebook a few days ago. It was a little startling to me to read that status post because then I started wondering if I should be thinking about MAJOR goals for 2010 and how to go about setting them, etc. But WHOA!...isn't that just looking for trouble? I mean, I'm trying to reduce stress, right? Not set myself up for failure by creating more work, more resolutions, and more things to do that I don't really want to do, right?

I started reading a book that I've had for a year or so...it's called "Repacking Your Bags - How to Live with a New Sense of Purpose." Seemed an appropriate book to begin at the start of a new year - a new decade. I threw it in my travel bag on Saturday as hubby and I went away for our 24th anniversary. I was able to start reading the book while waiting for a massage the 2nd day of the trip. It's not a hard book to read and so I'm wondering why I didn't pick it up and read it earlier. Maybe I just wasn't ready to examine the extra burdens I've been carrying around and learn how to lighten my load. (That's actually a quote from someone who read the book that I'm borrowing...in the essence of full disclosure!)

But I think what attracted me to the book - as I was packing my 'bags" for my anniversary trip - is that it uses the metaphor of "baggage" to help remind you that life IS a journey! And your experience along the way is intimately bound up in the baggage - emotional, intellectual, and physical - that you are carrying. What we carry in our bags defines how we spend our time, and how we spend our time determines how we live and who we are. Hummm....

I know people use the quote "life is a journey" a lot and I've even used the line "enjoy the journey" - or "come along for the journey" to several people close to me in personal conversation to perhaps help them understand that you need to live in the moment and stop wondering what the next great "thing" or event will be. If you are constantly thinking about what is next, then you miss what is NOW.

This life is going by too quickly these days to NOT be doing the things that I love. I had already recognized that early last year but let other things/people/circumstances dictate what my year would be like. Toward the end of the year, I was determined to make that change. I did this in small ways, like during Thanksgiving, I refused to answer any work related/non-profit related emails. I was, after all, on vacation and you can't fully relax and disconnect if you are constantly checking emails! It was a good feeling and the world didn't end and no one died by my NOT answering them. So, the Christmas holiday/vacation was going to be another test of my resolve. I officially go back to work on Wednesday and while I did read a few emails from work today, the urge to immediately answer them wasn't pulling me. It was a good feeling...being in control...

So what has struck me as positive from this book so far? So far, it's the "formula" for a "good life" which is...

Living in the Place you belong,
with the People you Love,
doing the Right Work,
on Purpose.

Harmony is another way to define this. Since our journey is ever changing, the balance among place, love and work is always shifting too. At some stages we are more focused on work, sometimes we are more focused on our home (place) and so on.

What pulls all this together is "purpose." If you are able to define your sense of purpose - or for those of us who need this defined a little more bluntly - "the reason you get up in the morning" - then you can remained focused on where you want to go and discover new ways to get there.

Okay...so there you have it. I still have more of the book to read so who knows what else I'll discover or "rediscover" in all this. I do know one thing...I need to get upstairs right now and "unpack" my bags from my anniversary trip.

That seems like a good place to start...

Time to get serious...again...

We've just finished up the Labor Day holiday weekend and had a great time with friends at the lake. It was so good to leave all the thoughts of home and work behind and just enjoy...

For the most part, that is what happened. Then I started having random heart palpitations or "flutters." On top of that the burning I'm having at the base of my throat is not getting any better either. So...

Is all this caused by stress that I'm suppressing or is there a medical reason for all this. I can only make those assumptions right now. I can also make a doctor's appointment...which I plan to do tomorrow. I can also try not to let my imagination get the better of me and start doing Internet research and freaking myself out about these symptoms and thinking I have some type of major disease or ailment!

Of course, with all the illness (cancer) that has been running through my family these past few years, it's hard NOT to think it could be something like that. My mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer in March 2007 and then in Sept 2007, my aunt (mother's sister) was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer. So, I know my hubby is more worried about things like that than he lets on. Maybe it's because I make a joke about it everything it comes up to keep things less tense. But the last thing he says in those conversations is "go to the doctor!" He's right. But here's the catch...

I'll call tomorrow and it will take me weeks to get in to see the doctor. It will frustrate me so much that I will probably go to the "doc in the box" or clinic near my house and see what I can get done there first. I don't know...I just haven't had the best luck with my "normal" docs these past few years. More on that in a minute.

I also need to make an appointment for my annual "female" exams which were due in March. Yeah...I'm overdue and that doesn't make me happy either. I didn't have the best experience last time I went for my annual. Nothing really drastic but it just disturbed me at how quickly I was run through by the doctor. To begin with, my long-time doctor (female) was not available when I finally made my appointment after two years. I had to redo all my paperwork as a "new" patient - which I thought was ridiculous - and see another doctor - but the good news here is that it was the doc who had delivered two of my children.

Okay, so I have my exam and talk about how my mother and aunt both have cancer and that it's just "a little too close for comfort" and I'm worried about this and what do we need to do about this. He in essence told me he didn't think I had anything to worry about as long as I got checked out on a regular basis. So I went on to talk about the menopausal symptoms I was experiencing that were getting very uncomfortable. He said he would prescribe an anti-depressant that would help with the hot flash symptoms. I just stared at him and finally said "really? An anti-depressant?" And he said, "yeah!" Okay..... I also had another physical issue going on and was not happy with the solution given and wanted to talk about that more in the doc's office after the exam was over.

So I get dressed and meet the doctor in the hallway to go to his office and he stands at the doorway of his office to give me the anti-depressant prescription and a pamphlet for the other condition and the paperwork to go get a mammogram. I was in such a tailspin with all this info and I'm sure disbelief that we were standing in the office rather than sitting that I just took everything and left!

For several days I was so upset by all this. I mean, you get rushed through your appointment and you hardly have time to even think of questions you need to ask. I told one of my best friends - who is a nurse - about all this and she was absolutely furious. I said I considered myself intelligent enough to know what questions to ask a doctor but in this situation it just all completely escaped me and I felt awful about the visit. I also wondered about women - young and old - who aren't assertive enough to ask questions or even question the treatment they are getting. Then again, I consider myself assertive and I didn't know what to do in this case.

For the sake of ending this story...NO, I didn't fill the prescription (or take the samples the doctor gave me), and no I didn't use the info in the pamphlet for the "other condition." Instead, I went online to investigate natural and holistic ways to combat hot flashes and consulted with my friend the nurse about the other condition and she gave me the name of a specialist and information on what my options were in this case. None of these were offered by my doctor.

Now I will get into the story of how it nearly took an act of congress to change internist at the same medical group in Dec 2007. I had actually already done this and went in to verify while mom was having treatment at the cancer center. Long story short, I went to the medical group manager and she told me to go to the "new" doctor's receptionist and tell her I was transferring as a new patient with this doctor and all would be taken care of - because I was already listed as being transferred. She told me to make an appointment with the new doctor when I spoke to the receptionist. Well...easier said than done. When the receptionist heard me say "new patient" she didn't even let me finish and spoke over me saying " The doctor is not taking new patients." I said "No, you don't understand, I'm not a new patient, I'm transferring from another doctor and this was already done in May." She would not budge NOR listen to me and then ordered me to go sit in the waiting room. Well, I guess the group manager thought I was coming back to her office so she came to check on me and discovered what was going on and walked back up to the receptionist with me and told her to make me an appointment.

Let's just say the receptionist was not very accommodating. She gave me the "first open" new patient appointment for....drum roll....May 2008. I just looked at the group manager after she told me the first available appointment and said "gee, I hope I don't get really sick and need to see the doctor between now and then." She said "well, we'll work you in somehow." Great...thanks...

I left to pick up my mother and told her all about this. See, this is also my mother's doctor who had been wonderful to her during her cancer treatment, etc. Mother was the one who encouraged me to switch since I was so unhappy with my current doctor who I felt did not listen to me and always kept me waiting over an hour for my scheduled appointments. Always. Anyway, I told mother that the next time she was scheduled to see the doctor, this is what she needed to tell her. That the receptionist was rude and would not listen to me and that I was treated terribly by her. I mean, for goodness sake...if you are sick and came to the doctor and had to deal with someone like that...good luck to ya!

I kept the May 2008 "new patient" appointment. Haven't been back because I haven't seen the need. I still go on-line to do my research and have learned that I really need to take a list of questions I want answered so I don't get rushed through the appointment. I feel strong enough to say - "No, I'm not satisfied with the answer, could you explain it again." Or even, "I think I need to talk to someone else."

Live and learn...right?

Time to get serious...about my health. But I still dread making these appointments tomorrow...

Stressful year is "almost" up...do I need to think of a new blog title??

When I started this blog almost a year ago it was during what I "thought" was a very stressful time in my life. I was looking at writing as an outlet but unfortunately I wasn't able to write as much as I thought. Instead, I discovered facebook about the same time and that started taking much of my time and energy. Don't get me wrong...I love the facebook community and what it has offered to me as an outlet. I'm just sorry I didn't capture more in this blog about the stressful "stuff" that was going on at the time.

I look back now and marvel at how quickly this year has gone by. I remember a time when I kept a calendar and every night before I went to sleep I would write a few key points for that date - they could be simply where I went to lunch, who I went out with, if I worked out or a short glimpse into what I was feeling. It's interesting (to me) to look back on all that now and see what was going on in my mind and in my life.

Then around the time I got married I was keeping a journal on the computer. I would write every single day and then print out the days activities and put them in my Daytimer calendar. One of my close friends/co-workers used to call it my "Doogie Houser" journal. At the time I thought "who in the world would want to see this stuff - how mundane!" But I'm so glad I did it - because "I" was really the audience (as well as my son someday) and because it was all about my son when he was born, when he was a baby and the things we did together. So I guess I was into "blogging" before blogging was cool!

Nowadays I don't go anywhere without my notebook. I use it for work and personal and write everything in it to keep up with work related meetings and personal things that I have to do. I can go through a notebook a month if I'm not careful! There is so much to write down and I find that when I unload thoughts from my head to paper (or computer), that it helps me think better. Clears the mind. I think we are always afraid that if we let go of certain thoughts that they'll be gone forever. So that's why we keep them around but the reality is we clutter our minds and it just makes life more stressful. Unloading is helpful!

So where am I going with all this? I believe we record our lives in many ways. It's just that these days there are more ways than ever to do that. I would love to be able to spend time blogging all day but the truth is that I don't have the time and sometimes I don't have the energy. But, I know I have my notebook with me so I capture things that way.

Another way is through emails. I think back to the year leading up to my father's death. I'm the oldest of four daughters and my youngest sister and I have what I feel is a unique bond. My sister and I would talk or email about every day during that time and I would pour out my frustrations and fears surrounding my parents along with other feelings to her via email. She would encourage me , laugh with me and sympathize on other things. It was such a release. Dad died June 1, 2001 and my sister and I planned a trip to New Mexico to visit his hometown and his sister - we just "had" to go and the trip was planned for September 14, 2001. Well...you know what happened. September 11th. While watching the events of the day on the tv at my office I went back to my desk at one point and had an email from my sister with one line..."what is happening?" Of course, we all know now what happened.

So between my father's death, the feelings leading up to that, September 11th and then the eventual trip we made to New Mexico - which finally ended up happening on his October 25th birthdate...I had a huge number of emails from my sister. So what better Christmas present? I had saved everything and printed all the emails out and put them in a binder for her. Naturally, reading through all the emails was an emotional roller coaster for me! She felt the same way when she realized what I had done with the emails.

Back to the question...should I change the name of this blog? I've been thinking about that for about a week now. Stress is a norm in our lives these days, isn't it? I think about it many times a day but I push through and find ways to deal. This blog is just one way I deal. My notebook is another... I think I'll keep the blog name...for now...because I'm a believer that it's all about how you react to the stress in your life that makes you the person you are.

And for me...so far so good...I'll keep "dealing"....for now...

"T" Time...

I've started taking some "T-Time" for myself. In case you are wondering, my first name begins with a "T"...so instead of saying "me" time which always sounds so selfish to me I dubbed it "T-Time"

It started on Saturday when I was suddenly faced with a day with nothing really planned. How did THAT happen? So, I put on my stretchy pants, an XL t-shirt, my running shoes and my ipod and headed to the rec center. Spent about an hour and a half on the eliptical trainer and then lifting weights. AAAHHHHH.............. Yeah, I remember that feeling....tired but invigorated...

Then Sunday I spent the day cleaning the house - mainly my bedroom, bathroom and doing the laundry - and unpacking from not one...but TWO trips that I had recently taken. I always do this...I leave the suitcase on the floor next to my bed for about two weeks and then finally bring myself to unpack. I still haven't quite figured that out yet. Anyway, there was also a bag from a trip to the lake that was packed with...well...stuff you need at the lake! All unpacked...put away... and now trying to make sure I do a little every night so I have time for..."T-TIME!"

So Monday after multiple meetings at work, I left work at a decent hour and headed back to the rec center. AAAHHHHHH....and OOOOOOWWWWWWW.....yes, it left me tired and invigorated and SORE! That abdominal machine really got to me. Heck! All of it got to me.

Tuesday...another full day of meetings and then transporting my youngest child to and from a rehearsal late in the afternoon. Between the transporting...you guessed it...headed back to the rec center for some more "T Time".... Crazy busy though at the rec center so didn't get the eliptical machine I wanted. Instead got one that kicked my butt which probably wasn't such a bad thing, walked a mile, lifted some more weights and hit the abdominal machine. Then took the dog for a walk when I got home and thought I was going to have to call for reinforcements when I started back up the steep hill to my house! Either that or have my sweet puppy pull me up the hill.

So here I sit very proud of myself for releasing not the hounds but the endorphins to keep me going this week. The goal? Do some type of physical activity every day through Labor Day weekend. That's a LOT of "T-Time!"

But I deserve it...and maybe I won't buy that punching bag I had my eye on after all...

When did this happen...?

As I listened to my 17 year old daughter talk to me and my husband this afternoon I had to ask myself...when did this happen?...when did she get so mature and when did she learn to tell such compelling stories? I know every parent goes through this but when it happens to you, it's always different, isn't it?

Anna and I spent the day together shopping. Nothing unusual about that - you might be thinking - but this was shopping for college...and she leaves in just two days. Today it was all about stocking the dorm room with toiletry items, snack foods, and school supplies. She was a little freaked out about the stuff we loaded into the buggy and how much it was going to cost. She is a lot like I was at her age with her concerns about the cost of things to her parents... But I told her this would get her started so she wouldn't have to worry about all this for a little while. Sorority rush starts the day after she arrives and I have no idea what happens with all that. I didn't go through any of that and I like to say it's "Greek to me!" She's been getting help from her dad in this area since he was in a fraternity and has a wide network to draw from here. Did I mention we had some great conversation about managing money throughout the shopping trip today- in addition to the value of things and when to buy trendy vs. buying quality? We did and I feel good about sending her off to school with the knowledge that she will be watchful over her spending.

Anyway, after the large haul from Walmart, we headed home to start the packing process. We have boxes in the basement and boxes, bags and other containers upstairs in the hallway. I'm not sure what more we have to do at this point. I'll need to check in the morning but we are hoping to get it all taken care of by tomorrow so we can relax a little and just load the car and go on Tuesday morning...bright and early.

Tomorrow is Anna's 18th birthday party (a week early) with a small group of friends. This is another transition she is making. Her group from high school was so big for so long but started splintering around spring break. It was bound to happen and as much as it was expected, it was still a little sad to see. All sadness aside, some of the drama involved was...let's just say...over the top and I'm glad that is over with! But through her university's online network, she has been able to connect with other girls in our area all going to school together and they've started having dinner together once a week for the past month or so... It's been great to watch the new friendships forming and tomorrow I believe most of these new friends (with a few old faithfuls) will be at the house to help Anna celebrate her 18th birthday a little early.

I look forward to being a fly on the wall and listening to the conversations these "young women" have tomorrow evening... I can imagine their mothers and fathers are asking themselves the same question I had today...when did this happen? When did they grow up and how did it all go by so quickly? I'm doing my best to focus on the excitement of all this - going "away" to college - something that I didn't experience but am so happy she gets to do.

She wrote on my facebook wall last night..."it's gonna be an awesome day tomorrow...so get off the book of face and go to bed!" I had to laugh...but she was right...it was an awesome day today!

The year so far...

Tomorrow is August 1st...more than half the year has come and gone. I say that because I really thought this year would be one that I would spend working on myself. As selfish as that sounds, it really isn't meant to sound that way. It's more that I wanted to get my health in order, my worklife and extra-curricular life in order and make more time for my family, my husband and most of all...have some "down" time to reflect.

I turned 50 in February this year...an age where you tend to reflect back and see what you've accomplished and realize that there is more you want to do and then have the feeling that you are running out of time! I don't want to get into a panic about anything. I just want to slow down a bit and yet that hasn't happened this year... If anything, this has been a year where I've taken one step forward and five steps back with the personal goals I've set for myself.

Let's review...shall we:

* In January my aunt died of ovarian cancer leaving a financial situation that I still can't fathom...my hubby and I worked to get her estate in order and make sure her daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren were able to stay in her house...this continued through April with court dates, financial configuring and other things. All is resolved now, thankfully...and all appears to be going well with my cousin. I'm taking the "no news is good news" approach to this for the time being.

* My mother has had a hard time dealing with the death of her little sister...she has needed space but also needed care. Luckily one of my "extra-curriculars" is serving on the board of a non-profit counseling center for women. I was able to get her into grief counseling for a few months and that has helped considerably. I don't know if you ever fully recover from something like this - a sister you are so close to - and in their circumstance - they both had cancer in the same year and the younger of the two is the one that dies.

* A small nonprofit that I chair has been through considerable turmoil since last fall when we were looking at merging with a much larger nonprofit organization. For many reasons, the merger was put on hold and then the executive director resigned....along with one other staff member...and the program assistant left a few months later to return to school. All this to say that the bulk of the organization has now fallen on my shoulders. The board of directors has stepped up but "someone" still has to be there to keep things going, right?! Guess who that is...

* Then another nonprofit that I serve on has gone through a bit of turnover too...luckily in this case I am not heading it up but it has still been trying and uncomfortable at times.

* Oh yeah...and the economy tanked...

* Through all this I've realized I'm struggling with a lot of anger issues...I went for a walk with my dog one night a few months ago and came home with this urge to write about them. I sat down at the laptop and just as I was about to begin was sidelined with a "boy and his dog" issue. My son had brought home a dog he "adopted" with a friend from the humane society. Long story short, the dog really was the responsibility of the "friend" but someone my son ended up with the animal and we "allowed" him to stay at our home temporarily until he could find the dog a home. That night the dog was upset and decided to pee a river in the kitchen unbeknownst to me - sitting at the kitchen table with the laptop! Our family dog got so upset that she ran upstairs and decided to relieve herself on the carpet in our bedroom to mark her territory in there! What a fun night of cleaning that up...needless to say the entry about "anger management" never made it to the blog.

* So yeah...add the boy and his dog issue to the list as I spent well over a month working on finding him a home to no avail...

* Oh...did I mention budget cuts at work? I've had to get very creative about how I work this year. And maybe this is for the best since the nonprofit mess started. I don't know if I would have had time for everything otherwise.

* Physically...well, I'm 50 in case I didn't mention that before. My weight has become a major issue for me. It's too depressing to elaborate at this point...

* My favorite music festival in town filed for bankruptcy.

* Our next door neighbors moved last week. We've been neighbors since our boys were 5 years old - they are now 20. I haven't even had time to meet the new people since they moved in a little over a week ago.

So...my thought is this...you are put in this place, at this particular point in time, because you are the right person at the right time. I have to keep telling myself this somedays to make things happen. AND...I have to take back my time. Meaning, I have to take control over my time like never before and quit letting people make their lack of planning my emergency. Or pure laziness because they don't want to do something and know I will eventually cave in and do it for them. I just can't keep letting that happen.

With that said...I was off work today and will be through Wednesday next week. This is the time I have been planning on since last year when my daughter started her senior year in high school. She goes off to college on Tuesday so we have a lot to do to get ready for the move. The disconnecting from the blackberry today was so successful and such a relief. The temptation is always there to check but the urge to reply is waning - and I know that's a good thing.

The year isn't over yet and I can certainly "hope" that August through December will bring me a greater sense of peace and calm as I take control and do so with a firmness and resolve that keeps the focus on balance and making myself a priority in all this madness...

Next post...I will list the positive side of all this chaos and what I've learned...