The year so far...

Tomorrow is August 1st...more than half the year has come and gone. I say that because I really thought this year would be one that I would spend working on myself. As selfish as that sounds, it really isn't meant to sound that way. It's more that I wanted to get my health in order, my worklife and extra-curricular life in order and make more time for my family, my husband and most of all...have some "down" time to reflect.

I turned 50 in February this year...an age where you tend to reflect back and see what you've accomplished and realize that there is more you want to do and then have the feeling that you are running out of time! I don't want to get into a panic about anything. I just want to slow down a bit and yet that hasn't happened this year... If anything, this has been a year where I've taken one step forward and five steps back with the personal goals I've set for myself.

Let's review...shall we:

* In January my aunt died of ovarian cancer leaving a financial situation that I still can't fathom...my hubby and I worked to get her estate in order and make sure her daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren were able to stay in her house...this continued through April with court dates, financial configuring and other things. All is resolved now, thankfully...and all appears to be going well with my cousin. I'm taking the "no news is good news" approach to this for the time being.

* My mother has had a hard time dealing with the death of her little sister...she has needed space but also needed care. Luckily one of my "extra-curriculars" is serving on the board of a non-profit counseling center for women. I was able to get her into grief counseling for a few months and that has helped considerably. I don't know if you ever fully recover from something like this - a sister you are so close to - and in their circumstance - they both had cancer in the same year and the younger of the two is the one that dies.

* A small nonprofit that I chair has been through considerable turmoil since last fall when we were looking at merging with a much larger nonprofit organization. For many reasons, the merger was put on hold and then the executive director resigned....along with one other staff member...and the program assistant left a few months later to return to school. All this to say that the bulk of the organization has now fallen on my shoulders. The board of directors has stepped up but "someone" still has to be there to keep things going, right?! Guess who that is...

* Then another nonprofit that I serve on has gone through a bit of turnover too...luckily in this case I am not heading it up but it has still been trying and uncomfortable at times.

* Oh yeah...and the economy tanked...

* Through all this I've realized I'm struggling with a lot of anger issues...I went for a walk with my dog one night a few months ago and came home with this urge to write about them. I sat down at the laptop and just as I was about to begin was sidelined with a "boy and his dog" issue. My son had brought home a dog he "adopted" with a friend from the humane society. Long story short, the dog really was the responsibility of the "friend" but someone my son ended up with the animal and we "allowed" him to stay at our home temporarily until he could find the dog a home. That night the dog was upset and decided to pee a river in the kitchen unbeknownst to me - sitting at the kitchen table with the laptop! Our family dog got so upset that she ran upstairs and decided to relieve herself on the carpet in our bedroom to mark her territory in there! What a fun night of cleaning that up...needless to say the entry about "anger management" never made it to the blog.

* So yeah...add the boy and his dog issue to the list as I spent well over a month working on finding him a home to no avail...

* Oh...did I mention budget cuts at work? I've had to get very creative about how I work this year. And maybe this is for the best since the nonprofit mess started. I don't know if I would have had time for everything otherwise.

* Physically...well, I'm 50 in case I didn't mention that before. My weight has become a major issue for me. It's too depressing to elaborate at this point...

* My favorite music festival in town filed for bankruptcy.

* Our next door neighbors moved last week. We've been neighbors since our boys were 5 years old - they are now 20. I haven't even had time to meet the new people since they moved in a little over a week ago.

So...my thought is this...you are put in this place, at this particular point in time, because you are the right person at the right time. I have to keep telling myself this somedays to make things happen. AND...I have to take back my time. Meaning, I have to take control over my time like never before and quit letting people make their lack of planning my emergency. Or pure laziness because they don't want to do something and know I will eventually cave in and do it for them. I just can't keep letting that happen.

With that said...I was off work today and will be through Wednesday next week. This is the time I have been planning on since last year when my daughter started her senior year in high school. She goes off to college on Tuesday so we have a lot to do to get ready for the move. The disconnecting from the blackberry today was so successful and such a relief. The temptation is always there to check but the urge to reply is waning - and I know that's a good thing.

The year isn't over yet and I can certainly "hope" that August through December will bring me a greater sense of peace and calm as I take control and do so with a firmness and resolve that keeps the focus on balance and making myself a priority in all this madness...

Next post...I will list the positive side of all this chaos and what I've learned...